


Chances

by irridesentchweshua



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 12:32:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12864591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irridesentchweshua/pseuds/irridesentchweshua
Summary: I feared I was not good enough for you. That's why even when my skin bloomed at your sight, I turned away, kept you out of my sight.





	Chances

**Author's Note:**

> Another AU jisol story~ 
> 
> Thanks to everybody who decides to read this story! ^^ 
> 
> [Excuse my english please~~]

Another day that doesn’t seem to be different neither from yesterday nor tomorrow. Even though tomorrow’s yet to come and I’m not a fortune teller I can quite surely say that it’s not gonna be different in any way.  


I wake up in the morning, make my way to the bathroom where I brush my teeth an do all those basic things people do in the morning – basic hygiene, right? I change into clean clothes and as I make my way to the front door to leave the house I stop by the kitchen to grab a toast. There’s a plate full of them placed on a dining table. Heading out of the kitchen I cannot forget to ruffle my sister’s hair. Even though I can hear her growl something vaguely with her typically girlish voice I catch a glimpse of her bright smile. She’s taken after mom a lot. I love her so much. Both of them, to be honest. Of course I love my father as well, but since he’s been in a work for about 2 hours now and I didn’t see him in the kitchen a while back I didn’t think about him in the first place. Sometimes it seems as if I think about everything and nothing at the same time.  


Even though I can take bus to school I decided to not head towards the bus stop. I head exactly the other way, putting one foot in front of the other I walk on the pavement of our neighbourhood. It’s a beautiful morning outside, I can hear birds singing and everything around me shines with different shades of green. It’s almost the end of the spring and even though colorful flowers have faded away from the most of the trees I can still see a few of them here and there like the remnants of the spring. They are the sign that there’s still a bit of this beautiful season left around us. Just a little bit that’s worth of person’s smile or admiring glance. Just a little tiny bit that we might not find any evidences of tomorrow morning as if all of those beautiful radiant flowers peeking here and there had been picked up and hidden in the elf’s stash overnight.  


However, quantity never means quality, does it? It’s about details as the pieces of the puzzle. Right now I could be walking through the alley full of the cherry trees, there could be pale pink petals flitting around and maybe I would not find it as precious as those few flowers I see while walking to school. Even though there are almost no signs of once beautiful pinkish blossoms those few are still standing tall in between the greenery. They’re simply beautiful, perfect and remind me of Joshua.  


There’s a peaceful smile coming up to my lips at the mention of his name as if the smile wasn‘t even mine but his own. As if I had learned it from him during all that time. To wear smile as peaceful as if everything‘s okay and even a tiny leaf you find on the ground is as beautiful as sunset. He has always been the only one whose bright smile could make flowers bloom.  


_You are unbelieveably adorable.  
_

I told him at least thousand times but everytime I got the same negative answer which was, however, quickly erased by his breathtaking smile. This way he didn’t even need me to contradict, he did it by himself. Even though he would always pass up my compliments I was courageous enough to repeat it for him again. There was not a day I wouldn‘t tell him how sweet or adorable he was and somehow I believed that one day he would stop with contradictions.  


__

_You’re way more adorable, Hansol.  
_

This is exactly how his answer changed as time went by and he found contradicting boring. It was like this till the moment we made a very important rule. The rule might seemed pretty childlish or stupid but honestly I think it helped us at moments we really wanted to flatter each other without getting any lame answer. Trust me I had this kind of moments pretty often so the rule came out convenient.  


_Once I flatter you you are not allowed to either contradict or to tell me I’m cuter or whatnot.  
_

__

_Deal.  
_

I don’t mind sun’s bright rays and still look up at the sky. It’s indeed beautiful outside, there’s not even a cloud up there and sky’s beautifully blue. It’s that kind of blue that once you get glimpse of it you never want to look away even though your eyes are slowly getting filled up with tears because of how clear and bright it actually is. I’m slowly getting to that part of the city where you can hardly find any greenery, just small grass circles under the artificially planted trees here. There were not many parks in this part of the city. I’m passing by the skyscrapers, sunlight reflecting off the perfectly clean windows. True, it’s not good for my eyes but I still choose to observe the game of light and glass. I’m imagining how awesome it would be to stand on the rooftop of the highest building and see the whole city from the bird’s eye view. It would be a sight worth seeing.  


***  


_,,I have an idea, take this and come with me,“ I impell playfully, one of my hands holding his and the second reaching for a hoodie that lies on a chair nearby. I supposse I won’t be cold in the clothes I’m wearing right now but I’m not sure about Joshua. That’s the reason why I decided to take that piece of clothing to the place where we’re going with us as well.  
_

__

_,,How about you, Hansol?“ he gives me curious look, obviously worried. He’s never gonna change. I know that and I gladly accept that because I’ve never wanted him to be different. He’s perfect just like this.  
_

__

_„I’m not gonna be cold,“ I brush it off simply and to my surprise he does not object, when I pull him by his hand heading towards the door and out of the flat. We go hand in hand two floors up to the highest floor and then climb the iron ladder to get to the rooftop. I get up there first and it takes just a few minutes till I feel the cold night breeze on my skin. Even though it’s almost summer nights are still kinda cold. Now I’m a bit proud of myself for taking that hoodie with us.  
_

__

_I wait for him to climb up here as well, then I take both of his hands in mine and with a sweet smile plastered on my lips I slowly start to walk backwards. My back facing the breathtaking scenery I lead him to the edge of the roof. To show him how beautiful is the place where I usually go when there’s a lot on my mind. I felt the urge to show him my favourite place. A place that till this moment I considered beautiful for all of the twinkling lights linking into beautiful shining lines somewhere on the horizon. However it doesn’t matter now because compared to Josh all of those wonderful colors simply blanch. The glorious scenery keeps on losing its significance the more I look at him. He looks so beautiful and even though I can feel his body under my hands I find him surreal as if I had made him up. I’m leaning on the parapet behind me, my legs parted just enough for his slim body to take over the space between them. Suddenly he’s taller than me. With content smile plastered on my lips my eyes are glued to his almost childlike face and in his dark eyes I can see the reflection of flickering city lights. I can see all the beauty, his mind and body absorbes it and it’s as if I saw it right through him. We’re both mesmerized by our own view and once our eyes meet it only takes a few moments before I hold him tightly in my embrance pressing my lips against his. Even though it’s not the first kiss we share what I feel is way more intensive. For a while it seems that the whole sky and universe is just an inch away and all the stars up in the sky are watching us. As if all those billions of years led to the one moment only – the moment I got to kiss Joshua Hong again.  
_

***  


I’m getting closer to school. Is the time passing so quickly because of my fast steps or because getting lost in my own thoughts and the music which comes out of my earphones? I would say both. This way I’m building my own universe where a person without previous invitation is forbidden to enter. In this case it’s Joshua only. Sometimes I like to think about all of the things we managed to do as well as about those we didn’t. In fact, I get to these thoughts pretty often and I’m truly sorry we couldn’t do everything we had planned. We simply made too much plans which were destined to be doomed by time. New York. From time to time I wonder what it would be like to travel to my hometown with him and take him to all the places I used to go to as a small child. I wonder if being at those places with him would make me feel different about them after good 15 years or would the feeling be exactly the same? Also I wonder how awesome it would be to lie in one bed with him, deprived of nightmares which would not be able to break through his protective embrance. Every now and then I imagine all of his early morning sleepy expressions and him mumbling commands about me not staring at him so often because I would definitely get bored of his face soon. I imagine his fingers soothingly stroking my hair and myself falling asleep. I imagine his sweet voice and the way he frowns while tuning his guitar to sing me a song I asked him for a really long time ago and suddenly he wants to fulfill my wish. My mind also wonders to those times we used to spend time with our friends, I remember Jisoo always approach me with soft and short steps reminding me that I was not paying enough attention to him all night long and in the next second I’d devote the whole world to him just for showing me those big puppy eyes of his. He always knew how to ask for attention in the cutest way possible, actually hong-jisoo-way. I imagine (or remind myself) all those things and it seems as if a fire started burning somewhere within my chest. However, it’s not wrong but the exact opposite. It’s a soothing warmth coming out of my chest and the only thing it can be compared to is _home_. Hong Jisoo used to be my home.  


I’m entering school area through main gate. It’s crowded here because of the seniors whose graduation ceremnoy is being held today. I’m one of them by the way. I see a lot of bouquets made out of real flowers, well dressed girls, proud parents and last but not least my classmates. Everybody’s dressed so smartly it’s hard to recognize them. Not far away maybe ten meters from me there’s Joshua standing and naturally talking to a group of people – our friends obviously. He’s wearing white shirt and dark trousers. He looks gorgeous even though everybody else in this place is dressed the same. For a brief moment I cannot get my eyes off of him. Nothing else exists. There’s this random moment when our eyes meet and lock together just the way we used to do it thousands times before. I’m unable to move nor look away so I bashfully flash him a smile. He returns one back, considering his inability to force smiles this one feels extremely heavy.  


,,Hey!~“  


Just now I can finally focus my gaze at something other else than Joshua. Firstly I only see a waving hand, just then the boy standing in front of me trying to attract my attention. I take a deep breath and blinking quickly I realize it’s Mingyu. My best friend. There’s a wide smile plastered on his lips, his hair styled back elegantly and his clothes resembling every senior here.  


,,Mingyu.. hey~,“ I repeat after him trying to sound totally cool but first of all he obscured my view of Shua and then today was already strange enough. I find it weird because I know that as soon as I leave this place I’m not gonna come back that soon if I ever come again. These and other feelings I felt while walking to school make me feel everything at once or nothing at all and seeing Joshua just a few moments ago I was not that ready to go from everything to nothing so quickly.  


,,Didn’t you come with others?“ he asked me with a gentle smile on his lips, carefully reading my facial expressions. However, there’s nothing particular he can find there and as soon as he realizes it as well his interest fades away and the only thing left is that polite smile of his. I adored and liked him so much and even though we argued a few times he used to be the person I would go to everytime I needed advice or a friend for a good talk. But in last few months our friendship has somehow writhed and now we’re standing at the so called edge of our friendship. Does it even matter now? As soon as today’s over we’re not gonna see each other more than three times a year – if we’re lucky enough, because it can be less than that.  


,,I wanted to walk you know.. I’m not gonna walk this way anytime soon,“ I respond with a light shrug as my eyes find my parents in the crowd under the stage right next to the chairs probably looking for a place to sit. Did it take me so long? So long that my father came home and they‘ve got here already? Suddenly I’m very curious about how much time it took me to get here but giving it a few more thoughts I find the answer pretty much useless so I let that problem go. However, I find my family as the best excuse for somehow polite backdown at the moment I see the group of guys slowly approaching me and my so called best friend. At the moment they’re already here and we greet each other. At the moment I see my best friend wrapping his hand around Joshua’s waist and him snuggling to his side with a slightly careful smile. Does he feel uncomfortable or is he afraid I’m gonna... Shit I don’t wanna know.  


,,I saw my parents over there, see you!“ with the brightest fake smile I wave at them in a quick farewell. Walking towards my family I’m unable to focus my thoughts on anything, it seems like a battle field inside my head again. I’m breathing in the fresh air through nose however, it feels as if I wasn’t even breathing. Fresh air doesn’t provide me with the comfort I seek for. I would love to just leave right now. I don’t even like ceremonies.  


***  


_,,Hansol~ I want to tell you something b-but.. I think you’re gonna get angry,“ just the sound of his voice tells me that it might not be that much about anger as about other way deeper emotions. Despite that I simply take a deep breath and flash him one of my special smiles that I store for him only. That’s the way I am, right?_  
__

_,,I promise I’m not gonna get angry, hyung~“ I answer with a simple natural smile. I’m experiencing the last carefree and happy seconds of my life and I’m not even awared of that. How foolish.  
_

_,,It’s about Mingyu... he.. he kissed me.“  
_

__

_On that day I couldn’t look at him the way I always did even though I was trying my hardest to do so. My perfect world has just fallen apart with loud rattling.  
_

***  


I’m sitting on one of many black plastic chairs they brought here for us and our family members. There’s around 5 people between me and Mingyu with Shua – they’re sitting next to each other, their eyes focused on the stage while holding each others hands which are laid on Mingyu’s thigh. Lovely. My eye catches a camera flash which means we’re gonna have this moment forever caught on one of hundreds of photos. Not that I’m gonna go through them, but God please don’t let me stare at them in that photo. I’m not really listening to the speech, instead of that my gaze travels back to Shua’s face again. This is probably the last time I see him before we leave this school and finaly turn the last pages of certain chapters of our life. Hopefully this view is not gonna be what I’ll remember when his name comes up in my head.  


***  


_,,You said it Hansol! You said you’d date anybody with such pretty face as his! But it’s different for me. I only want him.“  
_

__

_Unable to believe what I just heard I’m gazing at my best friend. There are so many emotions circulating in me that my eyes might seem blank. I just can’t believe what I‘ve just heard.Those words broke my heart from various reasons. Those were the words of my best friend about somebody I love.  
_

__

_,,We were drunk, Mingyu. I was joking,“ if I wasn’t clenching my jaw so much maybe I would scream at him for such words. For words that were taken out of context and made me sound like a douchebag.  
_

__

_,,Does it change anything?“  
_

__

_,,You‘re joking, right? Since the beginning you knew how I felt about him. I told you everything and you just..,“ suddenly I’m losing all of my words because I don’t even know what to say a no matter what that would be, my words would never really capture what I feel right now. Without any words I simply shake my head with a little sigh, my mind’s trying to make this whole situation into a dream. This cannot be real. It’s a really bad joke. Please.. wake up.  
_

__

_,,I’m not afraid to love him. You spent so much time together yet you were such a coward to confess your feelings. I was waiting for that, giving you your moment to shine but nothing happened. You have no right to blame me, we all want to be happy, Hansol.“  
_

***  


I refuse my dad’s offer to give me drive home exactly like I did in the morning when I refused to take a bus and walked to school instead. I’m taking the same way I took to get here, my gaze’s glued to the ground playfully kicking even the smallest stones with my varnished shoes. Lost in my own thoughts I’m on my way home. What am I even thinking about? Probably about the fact, that no matter how hard person tries he’s never gonna get so lucky to have everything in this world. There will always be times when he’s gonna have to give up on something or rather sacrifice it. Maybe I’m expected to think about where I went wrong for my life to take this crazy road. The crazy road which even though should have never existed all of us have ended up exactly there. However, that’s now what I’m thinking about. Simply I was not brave enough to change myself and gradually the whole world I was living in. I was not as brave as I had been before we met. I was not the old Hansol. I was different and way more fearful. I was closely watching over my piece of enternity and happiness personified by Joshua but in reality it was me detaining the world’s most fragile human beeing.  


_Go away, but stay nearby. Meet other people, find your happiness but don’t expect me not to get jealous.  
_

_Greediness_. I didn’t know it before but I’m awared of its existence now. Or maybe it’s just my mind playing with my memories and nothing happened the way I remember it. Who knows? Mind is kind of a machine from hell, isn’t it? With every other step I keep on asking myself the same question.  


_How am I gonna live from now on?  
_

However I cannot find the right answer because I have no idea what it should look like. I have no idea how to live from now on, to be honest. I’m probably gonna wander around well awared that I’m never gonna be complete and fully happy again. Well awared of the fact that there’s never gonna be another Joshua Hong neither in my life nor in this galaxy who’s gonna make me feel the same sensation. I’m gonna try to forget everything that happened during last three years even though the bitter memory of my best friend with _him_ is gonna hurt like hell every single time. I’m gonna try to become a better person and if there’s ever someone who’s gonna make me feel any kind of cheep thrills at least a bit similar to what I felt while I was with Shua I’m never gonna let him go. My selfish inability to forgive my best friend will probably forever gonna be my sin. But that’s exactly what life’s like, isn’t it? It’s not black and white, it’s full of colours and that’s why I believe that the little black patch is gonna lost in such spectrum.


End file.
